Body Image Evolution

This post was going to originally be titled "Body Evolution" and discuss how my body has changed over time. Given my new found obsession with physical activity, I feel a post explaining its origins could be fun...also embarrassing and a little painful...but still..fun! After digging through 36 years of photos, I realized my body did not change much..but my mind's image of my body did.

For my entire life I have viewed myself as fat. Not hugely obese, but not attractive either. By my "whole life" I do mean all the way back as far as I can remember..I thought I was fat. Yes, I had some "chubby" moments, but at no time was I really, really fat. Let's start at the beginning, this blurry photo clearly shows some cute little rolls on my arms..but nothing to be alarmed over. I even remembered this pictured differently. I told some friends last week who have the immense pleasure of being new parents that I could show them a picture of a fat baby. Hm..guess not.

Next is an equally blurry picture of me when I was about 7 or 8. This was about the age I really started to consider myself "fat." I think my body image was created around this time by a combination of my peers and a belief in stereotypes. For most of my school years I was 2 years younger than all my peers. Being labeled "smart" also came with the label "bookworm" (which I was definitely was!) and athletic just didn't get added to my image. It didn't help that not only was I younger, I was also short even for kids my own age!

Around 9-11 is when I really felt physically inadequate. I was always the kid to be picked last for kickball, I got "Most Improved" on the 6th grade softball team...you get the picture. I was sure I was a whale at this point in my life..but, again, reality is not so fat..although I am loving the flipped hair and rolled cuffs!

The next picture is from what I call my only "normal" era. The summer between 9th and 10th grade I had my "growth spurt." I shot up a whopping 2 inches to bring me to my current height of 5'2" (if I'm standing really, really straight) and I concurrently lost about 10 pounds. That is also the time in my life when I really discovered physical activity. I got a 10 speed bike and was given the freedom to ride it about anywhere I wanted to in our little suburban town of Clemmons, North Carolina. I also joined the girls soccer team in 9th grade and discovered the joy of running. In 10th grade I completed my first race - the Titan 5 miler (I came in 2nd place..but only because there were only 2 girls competing..still I was proud!). Look at this photo of me at about 13..no fat..yet I was sure I was huge, especially my stomach! Oh..I'm making a weird face because that innocent looking cat had made a swipe at the fish I caught, only he missed and scratched my leg!

Fast forward a few years, I stayed with running and switched to tennis in high school (moved to new high school in 11th grade..no soccer) so I felt fairly fit. The last two years of high school was probably the most confident I ever felt about my body. Then after a too-young pregnancy and some non-supportive people in my life, my self-esteem plummeted. Here is me at around 20 or 21. My self-consciousness at there being a picture taken of me in a swimsuit is almost painful. See my hand trying to cover up my (in my mind) extremely fat stomach? The cutie next to me is my first-born. Needless to say, most pictures during this era of my life were of her!

During 1995 I was the heaviest I've ever been outside of being pregnant. I quit smoking at the beginning of the year (best health move ever!!) , graduated college (no more multi-mile daily walks to class, parking lot, etc), and got a desk job. The combination of the three sent my weight up rather quickly and I signed up for my first "commercial" diet program, The Diet Center, and tried to get active again with roller-blading, tennis, and sporadic running. The funny part is that although I'm obviously over weight, I viewed myself as being about double that size. Side-note: The painting I'm standing beside is an original by my favorite painter, Toulouse-Lautrec at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, DC.

During the next 10 years, I had 2 more kids so I gained and lost more weight than I cared to think about. After baby number 3, a friend convinced me to join Weight Watchers which I've been a member of off and on for since including now. I also have read about a zillion books on health, fitness, nutrition, etc. I'm a bit of a health food freak at times but I live a normal life with its usual temptations. I've also become an avid runner (between baby 2 and baby 3), joined several gyms, played a couple of seasons of adult soccer, and even belly-danced for a few years. I've grown more confident in my body's abilities, but I've always felt "fat." I was 32 when this picture was taken, certainly curvy..but not fat.

Now, as I still struggle with reaching my "ideal" weight (20 lbs lower than I am right now) I am fascinated that I am probably in physically the best shape I've been in since high school. I did a 10+ mile hike with scouts in February, I exercised 26 of 31 days in May, I'm getting my running back up to par (knee surgery in 2005 slowed me down a few years) and I'm training to do a 30 mile bike ride with a friend this October. I eat a fairly healthy, varied diet (although I am a sucker for good beer and chips & salsa) and health-fully home-cook probably 90% of my family's meals. So why am I so obsessed with a number on the scale or on our clothing tag? I asked my husband.."Why did I think I was fat all my life?" his reply, "Because you're a girl." Extremely sad, but probably true.

This is a photo of me taken 3 days ago, sorry for the odd angle but it is the most recent photo of me. Again..not fat. I'll never be mistaken for a fashion model or Olympic athlete, but not too shabby for 36. I'm also starting to work harder at and celebrate each 5 minutes I add to my run more than a pound lost on the scales. After 36 years I'm finally starting to realize, I'm FIT not FAT!

Tomorrow on Summer Solstice I am starting the SocialWorkout.com 's Feats of Summer Challenge. This is the same site that did the 26 Days in May Challenge. They've added some pretty serious stuff, definitely aimed at the under 36-not had 3 kids crowd. But, I'm going to give it a try. I may not complete 20 of the Feats as required, but I'll celebrate each one I can do.

I'd love some encouragement and teamwork during this Summer Challenge, either virtually or in real-life. If you are planning on doing the challenge, let me know and we'll keep each other motivated!